Ask Asian Dating Coach: Should Asian Men Make the First Move?

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Ask your Asian Dating Coach: When do you make the first move?

Ask your Asian Dating Coach: When do you make the first move?

JT TRAN: Hey guys and welcome to another edition of AMWW Magazine, here we are going to address some fan mail questions on dating and of course with me is the lovely Heather, one of our resident featured authors and expert on interracial dating not just personally but even professionally.


JT TRAN: Ok, so names and details have been redacted to preserve anonymity and the guilty so we have this fan mail and my heart goes out to this guy. We will call him Jason just for the sake of we will call him Jason and he is this young kid basically he says I am 19 years old and this girl is 21 and she is the kind of the girl that is into Asian guys. Score for him right, she likes Asians, she is very good looking, we met on Facebook then we had date and it was very awkward ok. First of all let’s break this part down before we continue have you ever had that Heather where you met a guy maybe blind date or Facebook and you are having dinner or whatever what particularly happens.

HEATHER: Well I have had those awkward dates where you want to say something, you really want to talk and you really want him to talk to you but you don’t know where to go from there, like oh its so its frustrating because you really do want him to start the conversation you want him to keep going but he won’t he just sits there.

JT TRAN: I am going let you in on a secret guys as your Asian dating coach, in the beginning you have to control the conversation, you have to that’s not her job its really not. Any time there is a law in a conversation that is a signal for you to talk and if the conversation or the date itself is awkward that is because it is your job as a man to lead the conversation. What happens afterwards like maybe thirty minutes and hour whatever is the woman will start to take up the reigns of the conversation and feed off the energy and conversation that you give her but the first hour you have to expect you lead ok its not hers. We will talk about certain frustrations that Heather has when it comes to Asian men not approaching her but it’s your job when it comes to you on a date with a girl you need to be able to talk. If you are not it’s not her fault its your and this is something that you need to work on. Continuing so then she starts a few days later she start text messaging him and all these very sexually suggestive. What is going on in your mind Heather lets say this guy maybe the date was good maybe it was bad and you are like ok big boy or something like that and you’re not quite being totally coming onto him but you are kind of sexually suggestive what is going on in your mind in when you do that.

HEATHER: For me this is where you are trying to at this point I feel like she is trying to at t his point she just doesn’t want to be subtle anymore she is giving hints. She is letting him know hey I am interested now you take it from here. I want you to know ok it’s ok if you do these things and approach me but you take it from here, she is giving him that lead that he needs to just follow.

JT TRAN: Yes realize again ok woman are not there to lead, it’s like dancing there is the dominate partner and the submissive partner the one who leads and the one who follows, you as a man have to lead ok. Timidity kills attraction, dominance creates it. Whenever you get that kind of sexually suggestive whether its face book messages or text messages that is your signal to go alright and if you hesitate you are going kill attraction. Lets continue on with this story and I am trying to help this poor guy out this is just not the one kind of email. I get these emails all the time and this is why I am dong this video with Heather is come on guys learn so that all the future Asians don’t experience this problem.


JT TRAN: I don’t know if I should ask her to hang out, like come on yes. So you know this eventually he makes progress, awesome. He drives for about its like one hour to her place and he’s acting awkward all night because you know he doesn’t have that much experience, I feel for him but this is what you kind of get out there play the field because competence is not learned competence is earned. That’s a little bit awkward and they sleep in the same room ok first of all before we get into that, what do you think when a guy drives over to your place takes him one, two, three hours what is going on in your mind and the thing is like you are cool with this.

HEATHER: Ya first off if a guy is coming out to see he knows where I live its because I told him he is not like ok well I am going to drive be in this area I told him where I live, I am interested. If he is driving one, two, three how ever it long it takes him to get here he must be interested in me, this is what I am thinking. You don’t just drive somewhere to go see someone because oh maybe oh I want to see what happens, you are interested.

JT TRAN: Reactive you giving him like your specific address that’s

HEATHER: That’s please come to my house, please I want you here

JT TRAN: Good to know, good to know. So they end up sleeping in the same room and she finally, she finally make a move gets close to him and starts kissing him, ok now what is going on in your mind Heather.

HEATHER: At this point I am wondering why didn’t make the move first, I mean you know he drove all this way to be here, why didn’t he make the move and for me if that had happened to me I would think something was wrong with me here, something me this night you know I am doing something that you don’t like so that is why you have not made a move yet. However I still like you so I have to do something and I cringe inside a little because I feel for her because I have been in that situation.

JT TRAN: Couple of things right here, alight point number one is again as a man especially the Asian man you have to make the move, timidity kills attraction, dominance creates attraction ok. You hesitate you are going to lose so you always, you need to initiate all signs are go. Secondly like Heather was pointing out why you not just Jason here or any future Asian guys in the position by you not making a move you making her feel bad. I know that is not what you want but you are making this girl who possibly likes Asian guys to think poorly of other Asian guys buy you not making a move, I want you to consider that. One of the things I teach my guys is be fun maker not a fun taker. Give the experience of just being the most interesting Asian man she has ever met. So always make the move and if you get rejected ,then you get rejected that is fine there is nothing wrong with that. I am going to do a quick I won’t actually do anything on the lovely Heather we are just friends but lets say I go for a kiss but Heather turns her cheek, this has all happened to us right, its like oh. Here is what is going to happen say I go in and Heather just turn the check and what you are going to do, you think you are rejected, no what you actually want to is kiss the cheek brush the hair, kiss the ear and then kiss the neck and you’ve done more three little kisses, aroused her more with three little kisses than if you actually kissed her on the lips and there you guys go, rejection free kiss tactic. Any closing thoughts you have for both fan mail or audience in general. Maybe even some of the white women or black women that are watching this.

HEATHER: Just I read this it was sad to me just because it does hit me on a personal note, to think that she is still continually interested in him is so sweet to me to think that even after all this awkwardness they are both experiencing they still like each other there is definitely something there and so for Jason just in general just try it, just go for it, you can’t not go for it, I am sorry you just can’t. You have to try and if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work you get back up and you try again. But she sounds sweet you can’t let that go.

JT TRAN: Well said, you have no excuse not to go for the kiss the rejection free ABC kiss right there she turns her cheek kiss cheek, kiss the ear and kiss the neck. Now any words of advice for this lovely white girl or women audience in general.

HEATHER: Women audience in general, with this isn’t uncommon, this awkwardness this timidity isn’t really that uncommon so for me I feel like giving that little bit of patience has paid off in the end. Just let them I do understand that maybe there for whatever reason they are shyer than maybe some other guys, giving them that little bit of patience and that little bit of leash on that is it actually does work sometimes but not too much because you don’t want to stick around there forever and don’t torture yourself.

JT TRAN: Good advice, thank you Heather. So there you guys go our Q&A for fan mail at AMWW Magazine, thank you.