Hello again! Huggable Heather with some dating advice for all the cute girls out there who are crazy for Asian guys but have no idea how to meet much less talk to Asian men! I put my head together with JT Tran, the Asian Dating Coach, and even solicited the advice from my fellow ladies who exclusively love them some Asian men.
Now, JT Tran firmly believes that it is the Asian man’s duty and privilege to approach women with confidence in order to kickstart the courtship ritual. However, he also recognizes that sometimes we ladies of the 21st century are tired of waiting around for our Asian Prince Charming to sweep us off our feet and instead a cute girl has gotta do what cute girl has got to do and take matters into our own manicured hands.
So I (and several other women who were persuaded to contribute) am here to give a few tips and pointers that have worked for me in the past and how you can apply them in your dating life!
First thing’s first – not all Asian guys are alike.
Just like how not all guys are alike, not every Asian guy is going to be the same. As such, there is no end-all tactic how to meet and to date Asian men.
You wouldn’t like it if some guy said “all cute girls are the same”, so we’re not doing that here with Asian men – each individual guy who just so happens to be Asian have “an infinite number of variables” (to quote JT) that create his unique personality. We have to remember that they are human first and Asian guys second.
WARNING: I’m not giving advice that is 100% guaranteed on how to meet and date Asian men, just advice based upon my own experiences.
1. Be Obvious
There’s a stereotype that all Asian men are shy and intimidated by women. While that is not necessarily true, there are a lot of shy guys out there and, since you’re reading this, you probably have an Asian guy in mind. Since a more confident Asian guy would’ve already asked you out (or if you have a friend that could do with more confidence, point them to the ABCs of Attraction: The Confidence Course for Asian Men), let’s focus on the shy ones.
That being said, it helps a shy guy out when you’re a little more obvious about how much you like him.
I grew up in a conservative town, so I was more or less told that women were supposed to wait around, twiddling your thumbs, for guys to ask you out. Being the woman, you were to give them subtle hints about your feelings (what JT Tran calls Indicators of Interest). This could be anything from giving one a lingering look to lightly touching him on the arm when you talk if you liked him or being cold and distant if you weren’t interested. These hints do work, but sometimes they’re not obvious enough for a painfully shy person or someone not versed at dating.
My advice? If you can tell that your Asian guy is super shy, approach him – don’t wait for him to approach you.
I know, this is totally opposite from what JT says, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do in order to figure out how to date Asian men! Find a common interest to talk about and make the subtle hints. If he doesn’t react to one or two, give him a few more obvious cues, like asking if he wants to go for coffee or telling him that you really wanted to see a certain new movie.
You might even mention that you’ve dated Asian guys before. Do this without completely throwing yourself on him. This way, he will understand that you are interested and not get totally freaked out by your “forward” behavior.
2. Be Patient
After working with JT Tran and his Confidence Training Course, I’ve learned a few things about the male perspective on dating. I have to say – there is a LOT of pressure on guys that I never realized before! They have to muster the courage to ask a girl out, hope they don’t get rejected, figure out a date, keep her entertained for a few hours and hope things proceed to another date and a potential relationship.
If you don’t have a lot of experience on how to meet members of the opposite sex, to the point where you’re immune to rejection, it can be nerve-wracking. If you have been giving obvious, subtle hints without much response, don’t assume that he doesn’t like you – these things can take some time.
Before I learned how to meet and date Asian men on my own, I once had to drop hints for four months before one guy realized my feelings and asked me out! I was definitely more patient than most girls, but it can pay off in the long run.
One thing that I learned that has worked for me is putting myself in his proximity over an extended period of time. Another guy I was interested in was a waiter at a Korean restaurant. I was attracted to him, but he was usually pretty quiet and kept to himself. I kept going to the restaurant – maybe once a week or so – and we gradually started warming up to each other. Eventually, it got to the point where he would pull up a chair next to me and chat with me as I ate.
Finally, he asked for my number! Success!
3. Be Aware
Okay, so you’ve given him all the hints in the world and he’s finally asked you out. Your date with him, however, wasn’t what you were expecting – he’s not making the moves you want him to, even though you’re still being ridiculously obvious. What now?
JT Tran and I actually discussed this at length in this video:
Sometimes, a guy is getting the signals and even understands that they are cues for him to do something – anything – but has absolutely no idea what to do with a cute girl. If you are in this situation, don’t get discouraged. You just have to realize that he may not fully comprehend what is going on, especially if he isn’t used to dating outside his race or culture, much less a cute girl.
This isn’t all guys, of course, but there are the occasional few that don’t believe what’s happening: that you, a gorgeous woman, are out on a date with him. Then there are others that doubt your hints – they don’t think that a cute girl could possibly be giving them cues and fail to recognize the correct response.
From my experience, it’s best to be blunt but perceptive. Some guys need a little more reassurance than others, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t giving you any resposes at all.
I was on a date once where the conversation was so frustratingly awkward that I couldn’t wait for it to end. I was totally sure that he felt the same way, but I kept the conversation going every time it trailed off. As we left the restaurant, however, he picked me up off the ground and twirled me around his car, exclaiming how happy he was to be out with me and how much he liked talking to me!
I realized that he was interested in me, and he later confessed he was nervous about making eye contact for so long. He actually really enjoyed our date, something that really surprised me!
In the end, I just needed to be aware of his feelings and not project mine onto the entire date.
4. Be Sensitive
Remember earlier when I said that not all Asian guys are alike? I really do mean it.
Not every Asian guy is going to be enthralled with KPop (few are from my experience) or watch hours of anime on end (slightly more common than KPop lovers, but still not a majority from my personal experience) just because those things are Asian. As such, it isn’t in your best interest to come off as a rabid fangirl to him, cooing over pictures of Rain or fawning over Ichigo from Bleach.
While some guys may like that sort of thing (try your local anime-con if you’re into that), that’s not the first thing you want to talk about with every Asian person you meet, let alone an Asian guy you’re attracted to. Quite frankly, if a woman gives off those kinds of signals, you’re going to scare him off as being someone who just uses Asian men.
If that sounds strange to you, let me put it in perspective: would you walk up to a Black guy and talk about how funny Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle are after a fist bump? Would you then proceed to talk about how horrible slavery was and then apologize for you ancestors?
While it’s not on the same level, you don’t want your first sentence to an Asian guy to be about something so stereotypically Asian. It can remind them that all you see is “just an Asian” before you and not, in fact, the person that they are, since their entire personality is not contained merely within their race. Depending on who they are, it may be a turn-off.
For this one, just keep it simple. Talk about your weird English professor, ask his opinion on the best place to get pizza around town, or find out what he does in his free time. You can mention that you’ve dated Asian guys before (as covered in obvious hints), but save that tidbit for a few minutes in.
I’ve personally found that if you talk about a guy’s “Asianness” too soon, the conversation can go south very quickly. I can empathize – who likes feeling objectified? In the end, just make sure that you’re both fairly comfortable with each other before mentioning potentially touchy subjects.
There is no big secret on dating Asian guys. Each and every one is going to be different – just like guys in general.
I am confident, however, in my experience and am certain that this can work for you. If you have any advice on what has worked for (or on) you, I would love to hear it, so please sound off in the comments section! Thanks for reading!
From the Lady’s Court:
“The biggest piece of advice I can give is to put it out there that you like Asian guys, but not to come across as a creepy anime fangirl / collector. There are a lot of Asian men out there who have had it drilled into them that women of other colors will never have an interest in you. They may be utterly infatuated with you, but afraid of racial rejection. At the same time, they may have had a bad experience with collector girls in the past who only wanted them because they were Asian but who had no real interest. I can understand them being afraid of either situation. It never hurts to put it out there, you know? But “OMFG, I luuuuurve Azn guyz! They r sooooo cute! I love K-pop!” is only going to make you look like a tool. The man doesn’t want to be your handbag.
I can also say this… Go where the Asian boys are and treat them like human beings. I used to live in Atlanta, where there’s a huge Asian b-boy scene. Going to their meetups and socializing with them like they were one of my own did wonders–and I’m not even into that scene. Treating them like human beings, like your equals, always works well. A lot of Asian guys are accustomed to being ignored. The other day I was at a Taiwanese shop in LA and this super-fobby waiter started asking me about my tattoos. The conversation continued as normal, just as if he’d been any other (really hot) guy. The bottom line is that Asian men are just like any other men, but they often come with the baggage of being socially ignored or stigmatized. Sometimes a girl has to work around that”
- Alice, Cautionary Tales of AMWF Internet Romance
” idk… asian guys were the hardest to pick up in my experience when i was single. it didnt matter if i was subtle or blunt about it. online stuff was a lot easier. i guess indirect communication is a more comfortable approach for them? most asian guys are ass men so make your ass-ets known i suppose.”
“Well, what I’ve learned in dating asian men is that you shouldn’t always talk about their culture but more so your individuality and worldliness if you have it, just be you and open, of course to help their confidence tell them you like their eyes or make a little joke about asian men to loosen them up. ”
“If you’re dealing with an guy who just immigrated here — which you may not even know — sometimes it’s even more important for the girl to make the first move. Think about it, these guys are speaking English as a second language. That alone makes it a little harder. Add to that the fact that many Asian immigrants who speak English as a second language get a lot of flack from Americans about their accents or their English speaking ability, often unfairly so, and it makes them even more reluctant to speak up. Do that guy a favor and make the first move, if you can. And while you’re at it, be sure to drop in a positive comment somewhere about his English, which will definitely make him feel more relaxed about talking with you.
Also, with Asian men who just immigrated over, I’ve found that many of these guys aren’t always as plugged into pop culture — movies, TV — like we are. And if that’s the case, it can be really easy to lose this kind of guy in conversation if you’re peppering it with all of these TV shows he’s never watched or movies he might not have heard of. So if you’ve just met a guy who immigrated here, until you know him better (it may be that he does have the 411 on American pop culture after all, because every Asian guy is different) try to avoid throwing too much pop culture in the conversation.”
-Jocelyn, Speaking of China
“Some Asian men that you might try to meet and date, will have a hard time believing that you’re trying to flirt with them. Obviously not all Asian guys are like that, but so many have been ridiculed by girls or had to face racism, that a lot are wary that it’s “too good to be true.” So you want to be forward, as Heather says, but not so forward and eager that you make him suspicious about your intentions.”
-Sarah Ann, 6 Dating Tips on How Asian Guys Can Get Any Girlfriend They Want