How Asian Men and White Women Can Keep Their Interracial Relationship Alive and Healthy

by JT Tran · 23 comments

Keep your interracial relationship alive and happy!

Keep your interracial relationship alive and happy!

Making any good relationship work is always going to require effort and passion by both star crossed lovers, but doubly so when you’re crossing racial and cultural boundaries like between an Asian man and a Caucasian woman. After the heady rush of infatuation, puppy love, and a heaping dose of endorphins, the daily grind of everyday life presses onward.

I don’t mean to paint a dreary picture of being in a committed relationship, far from it. But entering into a cross-cultural relationship is going to take some fancy footwork as well as patience and perseverance on both parties. So let’s break it down on how to make the loving, sexual relationship between Asian Men and Caucasian work without a hitch!

For the Women:

Try to make an effort to fit into his world. As the son of immigrants, he’s steeped in both the modern, fast paced age of today with it’s constantly changing social landscape, but also the steady hand of his family and traditions. It can be tough to juggle both as we’re constantly being pulled to and fro like driftwood on the tide. But it’s incredibly comforting when our loved one tries to understand where we as Asian men are coming from.

On the extreme hand though, don’t try to be an ultra-Asian girl either! Your man probably embraced you for your difference and independence. While it’s great if you can eat with chopsticks and know your way around a sushi bar as well as what the proper pronunciation of pho actually is, but don’t get obsessed with watching all the anime under the sun and dressing up as Sailor Moon for Halloween. Your Asian man may just decide to run off into the sunset with someone else less suffocating.

Basically with these two points, what I’m saying is this: Embrace your differences, but provide comfort of the familiar.

It’s nice when I don’t have to explain everything it means to be Asian, but at the same time go off and do whatever I want without race and culture being an issue every damn day.

Next, AVOID HOT BUTTON ISSUES. Unless your man specifically opens up to you, there are just some things better left avoided until he wants to talk about it. Some of it is derived from being a minority and the perceived inequities of our society, like:

  • The interracial dating disparity between White men and Asian women
  • The negative stereotypes in the media
  • Racism and prejudice in America

To more intercultural prerogatives that come from ancient history, like:

  • Korean-Japanese animosity
  • Vietnamese-Communist animosity
  • China-Taiwan animosity
  • Buddhism versus Christianity
  • Light skinned Asians versus dark skinned Asians

And just basically a plethora of other issues. If he wants to talk about it or explain his point of view in order for you to see his side of the issue, all the better as it means he’s opening up to you and wants the validation of your opinion and especially your support. But don’t press it if he doesn’t want to talk about. We’re men, but more than that, we’re Asian men. We don’t like talking about our feelings.

Which comes to the next portion of this article… What can Asian men do to make it work with their Caucasian spouse, girlfriend, and loved one!

For the Men:

Be more expressive. Seriously, both physically and facially expressive, but also emotionally. I can’t remember how many times my first college girlfriend, the cutest 5″10 blonde girl next door type, said to me, “Are you angry? Are you upset?” Literally, she found it very difficult to tell my mood judging by my natural taciturn reserve and facial expressions (ie the dreaded Asian Poker Face).

So express your thoughts through both words and actions as well as physically and facially. People of different races have a hard time telling the more subtle nuances of the Asian face so you really have to go out of your way to make yourself felt.

Be more dominant. Psychologists call it being the “alpha male”, but women simply call it “being a man.” When you call her up for a date, don’t be wishy washy, tell her what you want to do and have a plan for it. Maybe she isn’t in the mood for an extravagant date night, but the planning and execution will definitely be appreciated. No one likes having a conversation like this:

You: “What are you up to tonight?”

Her: “Oh, nothing. You?”

You: “Nothing much. What do you wanna do?”

Her: “I don’t know, what do you feel like?”

You: “Ummm, uh, maybe a movie?”

Her: “Oh, yeah, ok! What movie do you want to see?”

You: “Um, I don’t. What do you want to see?”

Seriously, guys? Don’t do this. Take charge and lead, a lot of women find it to be incredibly powerful and a turn on. But always be willing to compromise, sometimes it’s nice if she wants to take a turn at seducing you on date night!

And finally, be open about your relationships. I’m not talking about telling her your number of sexual partners (and don’t you DARE, either one of you ask! Never ask a question when you know you’re not going to like the answer). No, what I’m talking about is that little feeling of relationship insecurity almost every single White women I’ve dated felt when they’re dating an Asian man.

That she’s just the Miss White Now and not Miss Right.

That in fact, due to your family, religion, and social / cultural pressures, that you’re actually still on the look out for a Mom and Dad approved, submissive Asian wife. That you’re looking behind her back for someone who knows how to do all the cooking that your mom used to do when you were a kid. Let her know, emphatically and in no uncertain terms, that isn’t the case (and if it is, for shame).

Don’t ever lead a woman on if you know she isn’t the one for you. That you love her in spite of all that and neither hell nor high waters will keep you apart. That’s passion, bub.

So there you go, I hope you found this article as helpful as I enjoyed delving into my past relationships to give you the gold nuggets to make your interracial, Asian man and Caucasian woman relationship be as successful and fulfilling as it can be!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/icysparks2007?feature=mhsn Icysparks2007

    “Embrace your differences, but provide comfort of the familiar.” I really like this quote. As an Asian male, I prefer White females (or that of any other race) who are culturally open-minded and embracing. Better yet are those who go out their way to get to know other Asian guys.

    You are definitely right; if we Asian guys are to succeed in the American dating arena, we need to be more expressive and dominant. I would also like to add that we need to stand up for ourselves a little more when it comes to negative stereotypes and media portrayals (but do it in a MATURE way).

    Great article JT. Thank you for representing and fighting on behalf of your Asian brothers =]

  • http://www.scandalouswomen.com Stephanie Vega

    Except with a few obvious differences (cultural, to be exact), you just handed out some great advice for people in ANY relationship – interracial or otherwise.

  • Anonymous

    As I was reading this post, something got my attention immediately – “due to your family, religion, and social / cultural pressures, that you’re actually still on the look out for a Mom and Dad approved, submissive Asian wife.” How much of that is an issue when Western girls date Asian guys? I had a lot of Indian and Pakistani friends in college and some were very “duty bound” to marry their “own.” It was usually the girls, though, who rebelled the quickest and dated guys that weren’t of their race.

    • Matt

      Actually, women are the ones to discriminate not the men.  Women are the gatherers and men are the hunters.  And women are the ones to choose her mate while the man wants to mate with any females.  White women are the most racist and asian women the least, this is why there are far more asian women with white men then reverse.  Check out this article.  http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/women-are-racist/

      • Thebearwill

        i don’t know if i can say white women are most racist..but i think in general white people are pretty ignorant when it comes to race or culture…pretty high up there.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kristoffer.kristensen2 Kristoffer Kristensen

        Historically, white men were the ones who was most racist. Over 50% of white people who were against slavery was white women. It seems like everyone also forgot that Asian men used to date white women not vice versa. European settlers passed laws banning interracial marriage between Native, Asian, black men and white women.

  • http://happyinasia.wordpress.com Happy in Asia

    Great article and good dating advice!
    You’re nailing it with the : “That she’s just the Miss White Now and not Miss Right.” No one likes to feel they’re temporary and guys, please, if you know sooner or later mom and dad are going to pressure you to meet ‘a suitable girl’ and you know you will have to fullfil your duty, just don’t make Miss White lose her time.
    I had that problem in Korea: really nice men, smart, sassy, cool, but sooner or later they just knew they would have to ‘be responsible’ and start looking for Miss Kimchi.
    In the end, I got an even nicer, sassier, cooler Mr Shandong whose parents were very happy to have a Miss White as a daughter-in-law and they love our mixed race baby! So ladies, guys like that do exist and if you feel your current Hot Asian Guy will have to be a ‘nice son’ sooner or later, just talk openly about it and decide, don’t lose your time. Also, you don’t want to be in a family where you’ll always be seen as second best and they will feel bitter about their son not keeping up with tradition. I’ve seen that happen and it’s not fun for anybody.

  • Chinese_in_Switzerland

    Being a Asian Chinese Husband with a Swiss German Wife for the past 14 years (together we have a boy and a girl), here is my contribution

    1. Respect and learn the language, in our case, I learn to speak German, and my wife learn Chinese, knowing and speaking the language of the other does give you a better understanding of the culture and the logic of thoughts
    2. Immerse in the country or culture of both, for the past 14 years of our marriage, we have live in both Asia and Europe countries, living where the dominant culture is different from your will give you the insight and understand how the culture are the way it is
    3. Space for both, In general, we both give other some space for individual interest, so long it is healthy and not endanger to family live
    4. Children NEED to be bilingual, otherwise the language balance in the family will not be maintain, and monolingual child could tilt the culture balance.
    5. Communication on differences, for example, we do have different view on how to raise the children on some aspect, one way is not always right or better, but the other will need to know.
    6. Have couple time, with 2 children, it is easy to have family life evolve around children, like choosing the place to live, drive around the kid for sport, music or culture event, it is necessary to spent some time together without the children, a dinner out for two, long weekend in the mountain etc.

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  • cyui89

    Awesome tips! Thanks! I know it’ll work, you’re good at this things. Keep posting!

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_OBVTUO4WUABRKCNFUTXVSNMVGA Cat

    Hey, JT? What if you’re really well-versed in things like Asian history? Because I’m currently using an online dating app and I’ve been socializing with a lot of Asian guys. Would an Asian guy appreciate someone like me who knows a lot about it, or would they be put off?

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000591016324 Sherubii Tran

    OMGEE.
    I love the picture of JT, and his girlfriend I believe.
    Reminds me of my boyfriend and I.
    Because he Vietnamese, and me Caucasian Blonde. >w <

  • Thebearwill

    great article, i also think the last point applies to the ww as well, that we’re not just the am, that we’re the one too. ;)  

  • http://twitter.com/NyNy_x NyNy ♛ ナイナイ

    I’ve just seen this in an AMBW way for me to reflect upon but I’m definitely going to take this advice. “Don’t try to be an ultra-Asian girl either! Your man probably embraced you for your difference and independence.” – Man that is true, I do not want to come across as that.

    By the way, would you have the time to read and comment on
    this article? It involves interviews with Japanese men on dating and
    foreigners! I’d be very grateful!
    nynyonlinex.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/voices-of-japanese-men-towards-dating-foreigners/

  • http://twitter.com/FrankBooth35 J T

    Love some of AMWF porn!

  • Ashley

    I like this article, I find it to be very true and helpful. I’m dating a Chinese-Vietnamese man and I do love and care about him. We also both love anime, however I do not want to come across as a crazy fanatic. I do not see myself that way, rather I just enjoy them because its entertaining. I’m not obsessed, I just like to watch it from time to time. I do feel like I should at least learn Cantonese so that I can speak to some of his family members when I meet them. I don’t want to come across as a dumb founded blond american girl xD (even though I know Im not dumb)

    • cool

      I’m an asian-american male and I don’t find blonde american girl dumb at all, lot of them are quite cute in fact.

    • cool

      and smart.

  • Michael Tetris

    Seriously…..interracial relationship is always fascinating………I am in my 30′s now and since 2001 I have never go back to date my own people.

    And seriously, I know that one day I will find my life partner to be together and I wish she is a nice whtie girl. For me….I really don’t care about what people say or my parents’ opinion. Cause this is my thing and as long as me and my girl are doing wel, nobody should put a word on it.

    Maybe I am banana (yellow outside and white inside) so I am not like the other traditional Asian men back in Asia.

    Anyway, about how to keep the AM/WF relationship alive……….my personal idea is……..AM should try to be active in outdoors with their partners and give their girls with space and freedom in their social life with friends. AM shouldn’t just stay in home and play their vedio games or being lazy to go out for a hiking or beach surf with their white babies. And try to be a little bit less controlling to their white girls. You can show your caring sometimes but don’t be over concerned. Cause they don’t like it. White women are way more independent then Asian women and they need more freedom and space. They are not Asian women who needs to be taking care or being doting for 24/7. Yu might freak them out. Besides, always keep your “passion” on “bed” when you have sex with your girls. White girls love sex more then Asian girls. And they are better partners in bed compare with Asian girls. (my personal opinion and experiences) So, try your best to make them feel like a woman and a happy , satisfied woman in most of time when you are having sex with her. Do the whole package….passionate kiss, love whispers, licking, gentle touching and “be like a man” when you have to. (you know what I mean…”work harder”) We all know that Asian guys don’t have the biggest penis but it doesn’t mean you have to be a lame “lover” on bed. Don’t forget to give her the compliments at the right time. Bring her flowers at special days for surprise. Go to gym regularlly to keep in shape. White girls love the guys with hot bodies, no matter what race you are. And show your sense of humor……white girls love the guys who has humors and don’t feel afraid to tell what you think and bring up your thoughts in a conversation. Cause they also appreciate the guys who have personal idea and opinion. Be confident but not not arrongant. Most of the white girls love the “real men” but not the pussi cats.

    For white girls……Asian guys are a bit more sensitive and more considerate compare with white guys. And most of decent Asian guys they are more family oriented then white guys. Most of the white guys are more like the nomads who love to travel around and meet a lot of people and not thinking about settle down too early……like their ancestors…..who used to sailing on the sea to explore the world and breed the women from somewhere. So, Asian guys in generally are more serous in a relationship, and they will consider deeper or think about the future plans , unless he is a jerk or you met him in the clubs for ons that’s another story. So, when it goes to a relationship. If you really love him or thinking about a longterm then you better let him know that you are ready to embrass his families and cultures or diet. If not then he might feel hesitated to go forward with you. And sometimes you should show your tenderness and let him know that you care about his feelings.

    However, when the relationship getting over just try to be peacefully and let it goes. Still can be friends but don’t have to be dramatic fighting with your white girls. It’s not necessary. For most of Asian people are feeling harder to let go when a relationship finished. For most of white people are easier to move on when it finished, so I suggest Asian guys should be more spontaneous and learn how to move on faster and also suggest the white girls try to understand a relatinship finishing is harder for Asian guys to move on, they will take more time. So, at that moment just try not to be too bitchy to them. That’s my speech. Amen.

  • Fgardner2393

    Had some good tips. My bf of two years is Asian, we have a daughter together. However, his mom hates me. She is always saying bad stuff about me behing my back and what not. It’s been really rough for me to stay with my boyfriend cause his mother is his everything. Now he has started being controlling and demanding. It’s really getting bad. I am an independent female I work, we both split all bills 50/50. However, I still have to do all cooking, cleaning, buy all groceries, and buy everything for our child. I don’t understand why he is treating me like that. In the beginning he helped, now he does nothing. Is this an Asian thing, Asian men don’t do any house work. Which mean he is not respecting my culture like have his. Or at least have tried.

  • relmneiko

    Ehhh I hate the “be a man” advice, personally. It’s just reinforcing the traditional idea that men should dominate women. I think everyone, male or female, needs to learn to be assertive. Typically everyone finds someone who’s confident (without being douchey, obviously) and knows what they like to be attractive, and I’ve found that guys who aren’t attracted to confident women are the biggest kind of douchebags. My two cents, anyway.