Making any good relationship work is always going to require effort and passion by both star crossed lovers, but doubly so when you’re crossing racial and cultural boundaries like between an Asian man and a Caucasian woman. After the heady rush of infatuation, puppy love, and a heaping dose of endorphins, the daily grind of everyday life presses onward.
I don’t mean to paint a dreary picture of being in a committed relationship, far from it. But entering into a cross-cultural relationship is going to take some fancy footwork as well as patience and perseverance on both parties. So let’s break it down on how to make the loving, sexual relationship between Asian Men and Caucasian work without a hitch!
For the Women:
Try to make an effort to fit into his world. As the son of immigrants, he’s steeped in both the modern, fast paced age of today with it’s constantly changing social landscape, but also the steady hand of his family and traditions. It can be tough to juggle both as we’re constantly being pulled to and fro like driftwood on the tide. But it’s incredibly comforting when our loved one tries to understand where we as Asian men are coming from.
On the extreme hand though, don’t try to be an ultra-Asian girl either! Your man probably embraced you for your difference and independence. While it’s great if you can eat with chopsticks and know your way around a sushi bar as well as what the proper pronunciation of pho actually is, but don’t get obsessed with watching all the anime under the sun and dressing up as Sailor Moon for Halloween. Your Asian man may just decide to run off into the sunset with someone else less suffocating.
Basically with these two points, what I’m saying is this: Embrace your differences, but provide comfort of the familiar.
It’s nice when I don’t have to explain everything it means to be Asian, but at the same time go off and do whatever I want without race and culture being an issue every damn day.
Next, AVOID HOT BUTTON ISSUES. Unless your man specifically opens up to you, there are just some things better left avoided until he wants to talk about it. Some of it is derived from being a minority and the perceived inequities of our society, like:
- The interracial dating disparity between White men and Asian women
- The negative stereotypes in the media
- Racism and prejudice in America
To more intercultural prerogatives that come from ancient history, like:
- Korean-Japanese animosity
- Vietnamese-Communist animosity
- China-Taiwan animosity
- Buddhism versus Christianity
- Light skinned Asians versus dark skinned Asians
And just basically a plethora of other issues. If he wants to talk about it or explain his point of view in order for you to see his side of the issue, all the better as it means he’s opening up to you and wants the validation of your opinion and especially your support. But don’t press it if he doesn’t want to talk about. We’re men, but more than that, we’re Asian men. We don’t like talking about our feelings.
Which comes to the next portion of this article… What can Asian men do to make it work with their Caucasian spouse, girlfriend, and loved one!
For the Men:
Be more expressive. Seriously, both physically and facially expressive, but also emotionally. I can’t remember how many times my first college girlfriend, the cutest 5″10 blonde girl next door type, said to me, “Are you angry? Are you upset?” Literally, she found it very difficult to tell my mood judging by my natural taciturn reserve and facial expressions (ie the dreaded Asian Poker Face).
So express your thoughts through both words and actions as well as physically and facially. People of different races have a hard time telling the more subtle nuances of the Asian face so you really have to go out of your way to make yourself felt.
Be more dominant. Psychologists call it being the “alpha male”, but women simply call it “being a man.” When you call her up for a date, don’t be wishy washy, tell her what you want to do and have a plan for it. Maybe she isn’t in the mood for an extravagant date night, but the planning and execution will definitely be appreciated. No one likes having a conversation like this:
You: “What are you up to tonight?”
Her: “Oh, nothing. You?”
You: “Nothing much. What do you wanna do?”
Her: “I don’t know, what do you feel like?”
You: “Ummm, uh, maybe a movie?”
Her: “Oh, yeah, ok! What movie do you want to see?”
You: “Um, I don’t. What do you want to see?”
Seriously, guys? Don’t do this. Take charge and lead, a lot of women find it to be incredibly powerful and a turn on. But always be willing to compromise, sometimes it’s nice if she wants to take a turn at seducing you on date night!
And finally, be open about your relationships. I’m not talking about telling her your number of sexual partners (and don’t you DARE, either one of you ask! Never ask a question when you know you’re not going to like the answer). No, what I’m talking about is that little feeling of relationship insecurity almost every single White women I’ve dated felt when they’re dating an Asian man.
That she’s just the Miss White Now and not Miss Right.
That in fact, due to your family, religion, and social / cultural pressures, that you’re actually still on the look out for a Mom and Dad approved, submissive Asian wife. That you’re looking behind her back for someone who knows how to do all the cooking that your mom used to do when you were a kid. Let her know, emphatically and in no uncertain terms, that isn’t the case (and if it is, for shame).
Don’t ever lead a woman on if you know she isn’t the one for you. That you love her in spite of all that and neither hell nor high waters will keep you apart. That’s passion, bub.
So there you go, I hope you found this article as helpful as I enjoyed delving into my past relationships to give you the gold nuggets to make your interracial, Asian man and Caucasian woman relationship be as successful and fulfilling as it can be!