Why Online Dating Is Racist and Unfair to Asian Men

by JT Tran · 89 comments


A man in the top 5 percentile of looks will pull less interest than a Plain Jane middle-of-the-distribution female, and for guys who do NOT cut model-level cheekbones and 6'0+ height, the statistics are far grimmer.

A man in the top 5 percentile of looks will pull less interest than a Plain Jane middle-of-the-distribution female, and for guys who do NOT cut model-level cheekbones and 6'0+ height, the statistics are far grimmer.

(Or why online dating for Asian men sucks but online dating for the women who love us is basically awesome).

In Freakonomics, it was calculated that Asian men had to make $247,000 more than a white male in order to get the same level of responses as a white man. Unfair? Hell yeah. You might even say internet dating is racist against Asian men.

There are also tons of studies on OKCupid which basically confirm that the playing field is unbalanced against Asian men when it comes to online dating. Now, I will say that, as long as you aren’t paying for any kind of website for online dating, and just passively meeting people through the internet, using just a fraction of the time that you allocate to actually socializing and meeting people in real life, then there’s nothing wrong with working both in parallel.

Unfortunately, I get way too many Asian men who think online dating is a shortcut, when, in all reality, it isn’t. You actually have to expend more time, effort and resources to be successful in online dating than you would in real life. Online dating is unfair to Asian men, because the chips are already stacked against you. And then, you actually have to meet the girl in real life – so if your social skills aren’t up to par because you spent all that time online, then you’re screwed.

NOTE: This refers to interracial online dating; Asian on Asian online dating is business as usual. It’s when you, as an Asian man, are trying to use internet dating as a way to open up your options to include women of all races and not just Asian women that AMs run into the discriminatory and, yes, racist nature of internet dating.

Some of you may be familiar with a few dating sites specifically catered towards Asian men and the women who love them. There are a number of websites where Asian men and women of all races chat, mingle and even meet up from time to time. Sounds neat, right?

To be perfectly frank, it’s a little depressing.

The women that frequent these sites tend to disagree with me on this one, but they are speaking from their experiences. Essentially, all they have to do is post a few good pictures, look cute, get on the webcam and just wait for the private messages to start rolling in.

Girls that are considered “regulars” are not going to date the first man that asks her out – they know they don’t have to just take what they can get because the men sometimes worship the ground they walk on.

Guys that have been around for a while know which girls are taken, hard to get, ones that need a little coercing to get into bed with them and which ones are nothing but drama. New girls that are simply gaga for Asian men are easy prey – but very rare; most will date an Asian guy but tend to date all races (typically their own). The cutest girls of the bunch, which would probably be like 6s or 7s in real life, are considered 9s and 10s on these sites, so your standards will fall a little if you exclusively go for these girls.

Another facet of dating on these sites is that the guys outnumber the girls four to one. If you thought your chances offline were bad, it’s worse on these sites. For one thing, the girls get hit on CONSTANTLY – anything you’re going to say to them has been said already, and probably several times that day. They save the funniest ones that really stand out as outrageous and post them on their Facebook for other frequenters to see.

They also claim to not take any real romantic interest in any of the guys there, so your chances are, again, lessened.

Even though it’s all online, it’s STILL going to be about looks. One of our AMWW featured writers, Heather, has this disclaimer on her Facebook – “Just because I date Asian guys doesn’t necessarily mean I will date YOU!” What she means is, even though she dates Asian guys, that doesn’t mean that any Asian guy will do the trick for her. Most girls on these sites dream of meeting a KPop star lookalike – a Rain, T.O.P. or Taeyang – not an average looking Asian guy.

So if you’re going into these sites thinking that all girls there love Asian guys and, therefore, you, there’s a huge wake-up call coming your way.

Research shows that Asian men get a response rate of 22% for internet dating vs. 29.9% for White men (OKtrends, 2011). As an unofficial social experiment, one of our former students, made two online profiles on a popular dating website that were identical albeit one difference – the race of the man pictured in the profile. Sure enough, his experiment yielded the same results – the white male received significantly more responses and remarks that the Asian male.

 It all boils down to science, really – many studies show that white women out of all the races of women show the clearest preference for dating their own race. That being said, there are enough studies to prove that very attractive women are open to dating any and all races. From my experience, the most attractive women I have ever had the pleasure of coming across rarely frequent online dating sites. Thus, the women that you actually have a real, honest chance with – the absolutely beautiful women you see every day, getting coffee, dancing at the club, or working at your campus bookstore (the really cute one, not the one that doesn’t brush her teeth) – are not the same women using dating sites.

There simply aren’t enough women in the WORLD who “who likes short Asian guys” to match the 1.3 Million Asian-American men. We need to go out there, meet and attract ALL women, regardless of (or in spite of) their preference. If a man sits around trying to find a white, black, or Latin girl with a “preference for Asian men” then he’s going to remain single and virginal for a very, Very, VERY long time.

It’s our job as men to increase our options and choice with women, not to limit ourselves to a small spectrum of them.

The great Wayne Gretzky has been immortalized with these words “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. If you continue to use these AM/XF dating sites as a crutch, you won’t know how to approach a woman in public or strike up a conversation in the mall because you never practiced. By taking that chance and just going for it, even if it ends in rejection, is still a chance at any number of possibilities.

If you absolutely MUST, try our Text To Sex program which includes a live example and transcript of how to cold approach a girl on the internet, talk to her, get her phone number and meet her in real life.